literature

Into Thin...You

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zerosilver's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

Five foot two, one hundred ten pounds.

I watch you every day eating a single apple for lunch, saying it fills you up. I walk with you, exiting the cafeteria as you put your hand over your stomach and say "I feel so fat". And I say "I do too" because it's my obligation as someone who really is. How small is your stomach?

I listen to you in class, talking about how much you walk. An hour every day, even if it's at one in the morning, or in pouring rain, or if you're too sick to go to school, or a combination of all three. Shed the pounds you can't afford to lose because being able to see your bones really isn't quite good enough. More dedication, less food.

Why don't you see it? Your hair looks as though it's dried out and thinned. Your body looks as if it could break in half with a single touch. I've wondered more than once if you have an eating disorder, or if you're developing one. Obsession takes many forms, you know. You could stand to gain ten pounds. You looked healthier before you were "healthy".

I didn't worry about you so much back then.
I'm not sure I like the title...again. I mean, I wanted to express something like disappearing into thin air, but a person instead. I'm still working on getting my feel for creative writing back, but I honestly think I'm making progress. I wasn't sure I expressed everything I wanted here, but I tried and succeeded with some of it, I think.

But feedback and second opinions are important, too, right?

-What do you think of the title?
-Is the expression clear with the word choice and phrasing?
-Do the fragments work well in the piece, or does it just make it choppy?
-Anything else you particularly like or dislike?
© 2010 - 2024 zerosilver
Comments35
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gloombox's avatar
This is a lovely sentiment, and there's so much depth to this theme. I feel that you could better express that by moving away from the letter/journal cadence you've adopted in this piece. You have written something very honest and simple (good things!), but integrating that honesty with a less conversational style might have better results.

One thing I would like to point out is that the subject most likely does have an eating disorder - I say this from personal experience. I hope this person gets help if they are real. From my perspective the 'I've wondered...' part seems a bit out of place or naive. Maybe do some research, see what you can change, and stick with it. This piece's strength is that it's much more eating disorder awareness focused than potentially triggering or 'pro-ana'. Too often writers glamorize these situations and produce work that triggers the behaviors they're trying to lament. Best of luck!